I Think I’m a Clone Now

This is a chapter in the To the Time Machine! series, but I don't know where it will fall in the numbering of episodes.
Posted today in honor of Two's Day.


The Past
Basement of the science building


The young Emperor Andy and his trusted advisor and roommate Spitler stalked across campus. The more distance they put between them and the theatre, the more uncomfortable Andronicus grew.

"Spitler, don't take me there," Andy whined. "All they talk about is Star Trek versus Star Wars, and which is better."

"Star Wars, obviously," Spitler told him, dismissively.

"What? No! Star Trek," Andy protested, righteous indignation building.

"Hrrmm," Spitler glanced askance at Andy. "Nobody is perfect."

Andy continued his previous thought as if he had never been interrupted, "And they always want to show me what they've built or collected or bought or captured."

"This time I think you will like,” Spitler assured. “I motivated boys in basement of science building to cook up special surprise for you."

"I don't know," Andy said. "I think I've had enough surprise for one day. For a lifetime."

"It will be great," Spitler reassured him. "You will love it."

He pushed the door open with a delicious creak. Into the darkness the two descended.

"Comrade scientists?" called Spitler. "You are down here?"

"Silly question," Andy whispered to him. "They're always down here." Then, he called out: "Everybody decent down here?"

"The Glorious Founder!"

"We greet you, Leader."

"Founder!"

“Yes, yes,” Andy said. “Get on with it.” He seemed grumpy.

"Are you ready to be impressed?"

"With every breath I take."

“The Empire is in state of open rebellion,” Spitler explained. “Time to act is now.”

“Yes, don’t remind me,” Andy grumbled, sounding like a sullen teenager.

“It is only a matter of time before an attempt on the Emperor's life is made,” a scientist explained, and led them all over to a complicated, expensive-looking apparatus.

“Hey!” Andy objected. “I don’t think things are that bad," and then added, "yet.”

"My liege,” said another scientist, eager to change the subject, “we've made fabulous advances in science and medicine.”

"Oh, good."

They stopped before a low slab, covered by a white drop cloth. The boys whipped the textile away to reveal a transparent, plastic bag the size of a person. Inside, surrounded by growth-accelerating “goop” (to use the scientific term) was a person, presumably unconscious.

Like a bioluminescent coffin, the cloning vat began to rise by means of hydraulics and lots of good, solid whirring sounds. The obscured clone inside now seemed to stand upright before them, putting them face to face with their creation.

One terribly geeky fellow stepped forward, took a penknife out of his pocket protector, and slit open the plastic from top to bottom.

For a second, the gel retained the shape of its container. But only for a second.

The boys jumped back as the pink growth fluid gushed out. Once the smelly liquid began to dissipate down the drain in the floor, the gathered could clearly see a naked girl sprawled out on the tiled floor.

“Was it necessary to spill the clone onto the floor?”

“No, it’s just more dramatic.”

With a start and a sharp intake of breath, the clone scrambled up, sputtering and coughing.

“It’s alive!” The science boys seemed almost surprised.

“It’s a redhead!” Andy exclaimed. “What the hell happened?”

The boys in lab coats murmured to each other, speculating on a possible cause, looking for some excuse. “Some kind of recessive gene or a fluke mutation; Chromosomal shift; Radiation from the radio tower,” were some of the excuses they proffered.

"I will call him ... Andy!" the Emperor announced.

"It's a girl," Spitler announced.

"Andie," Andy corrected. "I will call her Andie. ... Andie Two!"

Spitler looked at the young Emperor. “I don’t need to explain the differences between boys and girls again, do I?” he inquired.

“Ick, no. Don’t gross me out,” Andy made a face.

The commissar rolled his eyes.

Emperor Andy stepped carefully across the slick floor, took his flawed, nude, slimy clone by the shoulders, and spoke in a clear voice: “Speak, clone. What is your designation?”

She looked her progenitor in the eye and opened her mouth to speak, but all that came out was a stomach-full of pink goop from the cloning process.

His Excellency promptly dropped his clone, stood abruptly, and proceeded to slip and slide around on the slimy floor, trying to wipe the vat vomit off his clothing, but also trying not to actually touch any of the vat vomit. No easy task!

The scientists, now fearing for their lives in light of their failure to properly clone the Emperor, rushed forward and tried to catch the flailing Fearless Leader. Simultaneously, each tried to lay hands on the now slippery Potentate, but none had luck. When the Emperor crashed, he took them all down with him - slipping, sliding, and swearing.

Political Officer Spitler watched the debacle with a practiced stone face, but on the inside he was ... even more stone! Because Spitler never doubts the Cause. Why do I even have to explain that??

Finally, they stopped for a breather.

“Destroy all humans,” the clone muttered, groaning as she righted herself.

“What’s that?” Andy asked.

“I live to serve,” the clone stated in her normal voice, and stood.

“Excellent,” Andy told her. “You can start by helping me up.” The clone complied. Soon they were all upright once more. For the moment.

“Designation: Andronicus 2.0,” the clone intoned. “Function: Body Double. Directive: Prevent Regicide.” She stepped over a fallen, writhing scientist.

“You look nothing like me,” Andy realized.

“No, you look nothing like me,” Andie replied.

“What?”

“What?”

“Stop that.”

“Stop that.”

One of the scientists stepped forward, armed with a very impressive hypodermic needle. “We do apologize for the error, Foretold One,” he said, and squeezed the hypo a little to make it squirt a few drops - pointless, but that is what people with needles do. “We will clone a replacement immediately, of course.”

“The equipment is already in place,” stated another scientist. “We will only need to reacquire the necessary raw materials.”

“Request denied,” Andie II turned and scowled at the needling scientist.

“Ooh, I like her,” Andy fawned.

“Approved,” agreed his clone.

Spitler was skeptical. “Are you sure that’s not just because she’s naked?”

“Really, my liege, it’s no trouble,” the scientist explained. The fluid in the hypo was green and lethal-looking.

“2.0, what can you do?” Andy asked his double.

“Destroy all humans,” she said in a hoarse whisper.

“What’s that?” Spitler questioned sharply.

“In addition to being an exact genetic duplicate of Andronicus 1.0,” Andie recited, “my embryonic programming includes Incineration protocols.”

The needle guy crept up behind her.


Who would have thought that growth-accelerant gel would also be a fire accelerant?



It had been so long since the sleepy little fire department in this sleepy little town had heard the alarm go off that they at first did not know what the noise was.