To the Time Machine! - Part 5

The Secret Bunker

Present Day


A flush was heard from the little Emperor's room, and Andronicus emerged, zipping up his Imperial pants.

"Racehorse break," he explained.

"My Liege," Morgborg said in hushed tones, “there's a drought on.”

"Not after that pee I just took," Andy said reassuringly, patting her on the shoulder as he blew past her.

Morgborg did not understand. She was somewhat new to this position. "But sir, Operational Code six one four stroke seven point double-F clearly states, during drought level Orange, all citizens…." Andy halted and whipped around to face her. Her voice trailed off.

"No, finish it," he ordered her.

Haltingly, she did so. "All citizens shall abide by the credo, 'If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down.'" She hung her head.

"Your function, Nurse, is to remind me of decrees I make," Andy said, "not quote me the Operations Manual. I only read that drivel to help me fall asleep at night. I don't follow it. That's what minions are for. They follow. I lead. And now I'm leading to the bar. Come on."

“As you command,” Morgborg said, trying to keep up with the Emperor’s stride.

Sitting on the bar, Mouthpiece Scott cocked an eyebrow as they approached, but said nothing. Andy sat on a stool, and gestured to her.

“Beverage,” Scott turned and barked at the bartender. A tasty liquid soon appeared which, after a taste-test by Morgborg, His Excellency quickly imbibed. “Consumption,” Mouthpiece added, with a grand gesture and a smile. She was always on, this Mouthpiece.

"Consumption!" Andronicus agreed, and beat his fists against his chest in a manly fashion.

Morgborg was struck by a sudden realization. “Sir, are you drunk?” she asked the Foretold One.

Andy stopped wincing from the shot long enough to open his eyes and look at Morgborg. “I always drink before I time travel. That's why I have a designated drinker.”

“Designated speaker,” Scott corrected, gently, so as not to be carried off by Re-programmers.

“That’s what I said,” Andy agreed.

“Oh dear,” Morgborg said, fiddling with the clasp on her nurse attire. “This is a change. Normally, I remind you of your drunken decrees once you sober up.” She stopped fiddling. “Great One, it is my regretful duty to inform you of your own decree that you were not to be permitted to engage in time travel while under the influence.”

Andy gave her a withering glance, and informed her, “I'm the Emperor. I am the Influence!”

"Barkeep, additional beverages," Scott said, before returning her attention to Morgborg. "What I'm sure His Excellency means is that the boys in the basement of the science building studied the data from the first trip, and they determined that the consumption of alcohol eases the inherent pain involved in traveling through time."

Morgan nodded. "That explains why there's a bar down here in a research bunker," she said.

"And why this project took so long and cost so much money," Scott agreed. She taste-tested Andy's drink, then handed it to him.

"That's a complete rip off from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," sputtered Borgan.

"Wait," said the Imperator. "You're telling me I drank all this liquor for nothing?"

"Yes, my liege," Morgborg said, fearful of repercussions, but bound to do her duty.

"Disaster," Andronicus said. Then, he had another drink.

Imperial Plumber Stegall stood up from behind the bar and pulled up the back of her pants. “I fixed the tap,” she told the bartender, and gestured at him with her pipe wrench. “Someone used a valve from a pleasure spigot on your keg tap. They are completely incompatible mechanisms. You're lucky I was in the neighborhood. That’ll be $450.”

“What? That’s ridiculous," the bartender said, raising his voice. "I'm not going to pay it!"

"Oh really?" asked Stegall. "My Roto-Rooter says otherwise."

Andy, Morgborg, and Scott looked away as the bartender came to regret his choice.