To the Time Machine!, pt. 1

RALEIGH - Court reporter Pestilence, a.k.a. Germ, here reporting live from the scene of the history-making, perhaps history-breaking, second human test of the Empire's top-secret time machine project.

Earlier today, we are told, the Brute Squad was successfully deployed to Earth's past - specifically, if the instruments are correct, to the first Dark Times in Buies Creek. What follows is the transcript, with embellishments where necessary to communicate the sheer grandeur of this momentous occasion.

"The Brute Squad, widely considered expendable, was used as the first human test," explained one of the boys from the basement of the science building. "We're about to retrieve her now. Only a few minutes have passed, but for the Brute Squad several days will have gone by."

And without further ado, the lab-coated, bespectacled brainiac threw a big switch on the control panel before him. Below, on the launch platform, seven emitters slid into place, lit up too bright for comfortable viewing, and fired dazzling energy beams which collided in midair above the platform.

With a terrible, stomach-wrenching blast, all of the sound was sucked out of the room. Unable to hear their heartbeats or intake of breath, everyone stared at the slowly forming aperture. Where the emitters focused, reality bulged. With a small Pop!, the whole contraption stopped and powered down, whirring as it wound down and everyone's ears adjusted to being able to hear again.

And where the Brute Squad should have appeared, there was only an Axe, which clattered to the floor. The clang of metal on metal echoed hauntingly through the bunker, hollow and cold.

"Perhaps we should not have summoned the Emperor so prematurely," one of the scientists finally said.

"Is it too late to wave him off?" asked another.

"Yes," said a voice above them. "It's too late." They looked up. It was the dread Emperor Andronicus, silhouetted against the hanging lights. "What have you little maniacs done now?"